the bomb

In my face it blows like bomb.It's an incomparable pain, there's nothing like it. My body froze like there's no life within, Oh how I wanted to be invisible, I wish I could hide it, I wish I could just take it ll in and pretend it all ok, but I can't. Part of me waited for 8 months, a slight move can make a difference, I wonder why. This is the end. The final blow, and I am hoping this will be the last. I can't take any more of this love thingy, I wanted to puke over it and start all over again.

The truth is I already did, I'm almost there... until today. I asked, he answered. I cried and said my piece. Others cared, the rest, doesn't have any idea. I'm numb, I can't identify anymore. I am emotionally distressed, heavily battered and unpredictable. I need peace, away from it all.

I appreciate honesty, there's nothing more brave than telling the truth, I thank him for that. There also nothing braver that facing the truth! So I'm facing it, whole heartedly. I'm at my weakest again and it's like hell.

Someone please console me, I need all the strength I can get to put this under my bed and sleep over it. I wanted to tell my daughter that I love her so much and I'm sorry that I cannot give her a family that she once had. This apart from anything in the world matters to me. But mommy just can't do that anymore..

I'm at the peak of my career, but at the my lowest still. Money is nothing! at the end of the day what matters most is happiness and contentment. I couldn't agree more. I wish I could have it all, but I just can't.

I will try my fucking best to bounce back at this shit I'm in. I wanted to watch myself one day reading this blog with all all hopes and courage that I made it through. Yes I will, yep it's gonna be a though ride and I'm up for it. It's like climbing the summit of Mt. Everest, cold, dreadful and freaking scary. i have no choice but to bounce back, I can't stay like this, not for my daughter.

My head stings like it's gonna explode... I feel like throwing up.

Damn it's so hard.Please take all the pain away. I'll cry a river.

This blog is getting no where, simply my random thoughts, mixed emotion and a call for someone to talk to. No one's available at this time of night, apart from the guys at fb. I needed someone who'll understand what I'm going through, someone who will listen and feel my pain. One person did, (i guess) thank you.

People will have random thoughts,others will give unsolicited advice, some will just listen and compare it with their lives and how they went about it. I appreciate that, any advice, thoughts or even violent reaction are all welcome. i just don't want to feel that I'm alone. At this time I don't need alcohol, I don't need to party, I don't need money, I don't need nothing. fuck I suck at this big time.

pop an advil. Valium maybe.

Fuck, this is getting harder that I thought.

I called dane, I know he would listen and laugh at my " kaek ekan"